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Mother Goethel

For years, I have constantly been called a "pessimist" because I don't constantly look for the good in everyone and everything. Because I'm not constantly smiling and happy about my lot in life. Because I'm not outwardly hopeful that everything will turn out okay. But the thing is, none of those things make me a pessimist. A pessimist is a person who is always looking for the bad, the horrible in everything, who is always looking for an excuse to think the worst of everything. This is the kind of person my friends and family think I am.

A pessimist would not spend over a year holding out hope about finding a job, of constantly pushing to get hired. A pessimist would have given up after the first month of not hearing back from school. A pessimist wouldn't have moved 2500 miles away from their home to pursue an art degree when an art degree means little even in a good economy. A pessimist wouldn't believe that things can get better, despite how bad everything is. A pessimist would have given into the crippling self doubt and clinical depression they've been battling since they were 9-years-old. 

I moved to Portland back in October of 2009, to pursue a degree in Media Arts and Animation at the Art Institute of Portland. Even back then I knew there were cheaper, better schools I could go to, that there were degrees that I would excel in that would make me tons of money. I know full well I will probably never make a big name for myself in art, and that I will probably have to have a job or two to support my artistic endeavors; I have never been in denial of that. But I decided to go with art because I love to create. I want to make stuff that I am proud of, and that I enjoy creating. If someone else likes it too, then good on them, but for the most part my art is for me.

I chose Portland because it was in a part of America I've never been to, and it was making a name for itself as being liberal, community oriented, green, and gay-positive; in other words everything Houston, and by extension, Texas, wasn't. It would be a change from a place I hated, and give me a chance to get away from my family. In those respects, I was right on the money. I love living in Portland, and if I could I'd like to stay here, or some place like it. I have my problems with it from time to time, but no place is perfect.

2011 was a bad year. I think everyone can agree on that. School was horrible, I was at the end of my rope, and I was trying to find a new job after being out of the work force for a year and a half. When New Years rolled around, I was exhausted, yet hopeful that 2012 would be better. I would be going to a new school, was going to look even harder for a new job, and deal with my depression better. I would finally feel like drawing again, something I hadn't felt like doing since late 2010, as school had rather killed any imaginative desires I might have had.

In April of 2011, I left college housing with my roommate, and was shunted around by a supposed friend and an actual friend until we got an actual place. Camilla and I don't live in the lap of luxury, and the rent keeps going up so its fast becoming too expensive for us, but we'll stick to what we have while we've got it, until we find a new place to live. We somehow manage to keep the lights on and pay the rent, so we'll survive.

Since June of 2011, I have been actively looking for a job. I believe I have put an application in ever greasy spoon and fast food restaurant around. No entry-level grunt work position has escaped my resume. I have smooth talked and charmed as many supervisors, managers, and business owners as I could, and yet over a year later I still haven't found a job. Yet I keep searching, because surprise surprise! I enjoy working. It helps me stay social and gives me a sense of purpose in life. Unfortunately, Oregon has one of the highest unemployment rates in the united states - sitting at about 8.7%, when it was almost 10% when I first came here - so finding a job is hard. You have to have at least a bachelor's degree to just get dish washing position at McDonald’s. 

When I originally applied for some information to Portland State University in October of 2011, I had hoped that I would receive a speedy reply and get admitted in time for Winter registration. I didn't wind up getting admitted until June of 2012, two weeks before Summer term started, and the only reason that happened was because I was constantly on PSU's ass about it. There was a ton of miscommunication on both sides, and honestly it was more than a little frustrating, but I finally got accepted. Hopefully I'll be in school for Fall term, and finally get back to learning. It's been over half a year since I left school, and I've never been more excited to go back. 

My depression is no better than it has been. Its still a challenge getting motivated to just get dressed, let alone go out and look for jobs, but somehow I manage to do it. Going out and talking to people has gotten harder, to the point where I half jokingly call myself a "hikikomori"; half jokingly, because at this point its becoming a distinct possibility. Even eating properly is hard. I've lost ten pounds over the last few months, which while making me quite desirable for skeletal anatomy practice, makes it rather difficult to feel good about yourself. Portland is a nice place to raise a family, but you definitely need money if you want to do any kind of socializing or just have fun. I'm going to call a psychologist and start talking about things, but until then I'm going to look up alternative depression treatments and the like, even though I distrust alternative medicine.

When people ask me how I am feeling, I generally say "okay," or "fine," because that's about all you can say to a bunch of people you don't know. If I was to say "depressed, but hopeful," people would look at me like I'm crazy. If people ask me what I'm doing with myself, I say "this and that," because apparently most people don't want to hear "desperately looking for a job and trying to keep things together," as its "rude". But the thing is, I am depressed. I am desperately looking for a job. I'm trying to just make it to the end of the week without everything falling apart. But above all this, I am hopeful. Things are bad right now, but I know that they'll get better. Life is made up of ups and downs and plateaus, and while things are "down" right now, they're already making an upswing; it will just take a while to get there. Does being hopeful make me an optimist? No. Does seeing things for what they really are make me a pessimist? No. I'm a realist; life isn't pretty most days, and it can be objectively horrible, but I don't actively look for the good or bad. If something good happens, then wonderful! But that doesn't mean I'll feel vindicated if everything goes to shit. 

So when people who say they care about me constantly tell me "You're so negative!" because I'm not a constant fount of happiness and sunshine, I reserve the right be hurt and mad. When my mom tells me, "take you pills!" because I'm legitimately upset about not getting a job I was more or less guaranteed, I'm going to be angry. When my friends say "Why aren't you happy?" I'm allowed to be annoyed. I should be allowed to show more than two emotions, and not be hounded to take pills or to be called negative names because I'm not some happy, naive child with no idea how the world works. I should be allowed to be upset about things like women's reproductive rights - I'm a women, and would like to have a family someday, but that day is not today, nor anytime soon. I should be able to discuss things with other people and not have them brush me off because they now I'm depressed and they don't agree with something I don't agree about. Excuse me if I'm not that unhealthy image of the All American Girl, the blonde bombshell who is happy to take whatever you give her and more (am I right, guys?), excuse me if I want to feel more than just "normal," whatever the hell that is.

I'm a realist, and I'm sick and tired of being called a pessimist. If you're just going to write me off as an under medicated, white trash good-for-nothing art student, then kindly fuck off, because I don't need that kind of bullshit in my life, thank you.

Mother Goethel
Not only are their cashiers always understaffed at the most ridiculous moments, but they are always understaffed at times when they know for a fact they'll be getting a rush. So with only two registers and the "quick" automated registers, there are two long ass lines that half the time go all the way to the meat section, which is at the back of the story. Also I'm convinced that half of them can't even count, much less been given any training. The only reason they can even get away with this bullshit is that Fred Meyers closes at 10, and the only other Safeway on our side is expensive as fuck. So fuck you Safeway, just fuck you.
15th-Jul-2012 03:02 am - And now I am having a downswing
Hurf Derf Urf
So, as you all know, I was accepted for Summer term. However, summer term started last week, and I am still not registered for classes because of some bull shit with finance not letting me register. Its looking like I won't be going to class this summer, and on top of still not having found a job despite busting my ass turning in applications everywhere, so I'm getting pretty depressed again. It's been pretty difficult staying positive when everything looks like it should be going well, but then immediately turns to shit. Idk, I'm just going crazy here, and am in desperate need of something going right for once. It would be nice to not have to be constantly worrying about if something is going to come crashing down around my head that I have no control over.
17th-Jun-2012 12:57 am - Aww yiss
Mother Goethel
Guess who got into college for summer term ;;;;;)
15th-Jun-2012 05:13 pm - Mom
Mother Goethel
Talking about tickets =/= buying tickets and setting a concrete date

While I love my mom, she has a bad habit of talking to a person and then thinking that that now means everyone knows. THAT IS NOT HOW COMMUNICATION WORKS. 
5th-Jun-2012 12:20 am(no subject)
Mother Goethel
21st-May-2012 03:18 pm - Well that worked
Hurf Derf Urf
Going back to Texas; less than pleased, but I'm done with getting the run around from jobs who can't just spit it out that they're not going to hire you. And PSU still hasn't not responded on if I got in or not. I'm just done with it all for now.
15th-May-2012 12:44 am(no subject)
Mother Goethel
Got a callback from a place at the mall that wants me to come back in for a second interview Wednesday afternoon. I'd be more excited if I wasn't heat sick right now. It was almost 90 F in downtown Portland; I can't even imagine how hot the suburbs were. Still, better than it being in the 30s/40s again.
3rd-May-2012 07:27 pm - CALLED IT
Yosgay is excited
also wow I can't type for shit lately, god damn I need to get back in to school
PSU tell me if I got in already jfc
30th-Apr-2012 09:06 pm - Time to bite the bullet
Mother Goethel
So no call backs, which means tomorrow I have to go in to the housing office and give them my thirty days notice. Watch me get a job right after I do this.
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